I wanted to be a Nurse.

Did you know that, I wanted to be a nurse.  It is true.  If you would have asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up in Junior High, High School or even 3 years of college I would have answered with, "A Nurse".  But of course that didn't happen.  Ethan and I felt that something else was in store for us so I changed my major and graduated from the Business School. 
But as I sit here tonight I wonder if that urge and craving of a life as a nurse wasn't really true.  Don't I have many of the same responsibilities of a nurse?  Don't I nurture my children?  I take care of boo boo's, and care for them when they are sick.  Now that God has charged me with the care of Rin, I know a lot about how the brain functions and the specifics that Rett Syndrome plays in the brain.  I educate myself on them as often as I can.  I advocate for my patients  kiddos.  I make sure they are taking their meds and follow all of the doctors orders as well as help bring to their attention things that I think they have not noticed.  I watch and sometimes have to chart their bowel movements and have even had to take many poop samples (yay adoption).  I worry about bone density, and muscle problems (are they to tight or to lose).  Because of the addition of Joel I am learning about the cardiovascular system and congenital heart conditions.  Which means I am learning about how they affect the lungs. 
And tomorrow I will wake up and start another educational journey, Gastroenterology.  It is a topic I have been working on for many years.  But tomorrow is the culmination of, well frankly, something that I have been fighting for a long time.  Rin has been battling reflux for years and starting this summer she started to lose weight due to the intensity of the reflux.  We have medicated her reflux, and shoved every protein shake, morsel of food and anything else we thought would put weight on her.  This was vain attempt.  I have watched the sparkle leave her eye as she lives in pain most of her days.  In my selfish nature I talked to Rin about having a fundoplication and a G-tube.  When I asked her in great disdain and sarcasm if she would even want something like this she immediately chose yes.  I stopped in my tracks and my mommy heart started breaking into pieces.  I held back my tears and got my nurse hat.  I explain what this meant and made sure she understood what she was saying.  When I asked her again if this is something she would like to do she again chose, "Yes".  Now we are in a different ball park.  I sat my feelings to the side and began advocating for the thing I had been fighting against. 
So tomorrow my patient, my heart, my love, my first born, the child who daily teaches me grace, dignity, love, perseverance, and what it means to love like Jesus will have a procedure on her perfectly unmarked belly.  This is for her health and I know that.  This is so that the twinkle will come back to her eyes and the pain will go away.  And while I know this isn't in the grand scheme of things this is not the worst thing that could happen it has been something that has been very hard for me.  This is one more time when Rett Syndrome has won and Rin has lost.
Of course I always wanted to be a nurse.  This is just not they way I thought is was going to be.   

Happy Birthday

Dear Joel,
On this day 2 years ago you started your journey on this earth.  A journey that was planned by God.   I pray you always know the great lengths that The Heavenly Father went to protect you, love you and move in the hearts of many to make sure you were loved and cared for. Oh my sweet boy He loves you, He has a purpose for your life and I look forward to being a part of it.  
Last year I celebrated your birthday, I was so full of emotions, I was excited at the promise of a child, I was anxious that it was not me with you, I was sad that I could not bake you your favorite sweet and lavish you with kisses on this very special day. 
Ahhh, but this year I did.  How I loved on you these past few days.  To see you trying to make the number 2 with your fingers and say, "five" and follow it with a giggle.  The happiness your smile brings me. To bake you your favorite goodie.  Which, by the way is, cookies.  You don't know what to do with cake and so cookies and milk was the way to go. 

We had family surrounding you on the first and celebrated you.  You on the other hand, did not know what to do with all of the attention.  You didn't cry but you weren't comfrotable.  Oh, how adorable you looked in your smocked John John.  I. COULD. GOBBLE. YOU. UP. 

As soon as you saw your present from me and Dad you ran across the room and sat in it while Daddy put it together.  You spent most of the night playing in it. 

Today was filled with playing, and singing the "Happy Birthday" song.  When I put you down for your nap I was a little overwhelmed with emotions.  How amazing that I love you so much.  I melted when you looked up and giggled at me.  You are talking up a storm and I love watching you jabber with hand movements and all.  A mere six months ago you didn't even know who I was and what a family was and today you call me "Momma" and come to find me to kiss your booboo's, you find safety in my arms. and know that I will provide all of your needs.  You love your Daddy, LahLah (Elaina) and Yigh Yah (Josiah) they are always great to play with or hold you and Min Min (Korinna) will always let you sit in her lap or hold her hand.  You and Leila are playing more than fighting and that is one of my most precious moments that I get to see. Joel you are loved. You have blossomed and I am speechless at how you grafted into our family.  

We always take the birthday child out to eat for their birthday and today we had take out from Mr. Chen's.  It is hasn't been opened very long in fact it opened while we were in China picking you up.  When we returned home we dined here several times giving you an oppurtunity to have something that you were used to.  It has a special place in our hearts and so to here we went.  I'm sure next year you will have a your own opinion of where you want to go.  That's fine because you are home, in my arms and are mine.

"Beat your plowshares into swords, and your pruning hooks into spears; let the weak say, “I am a warrior.”
Joel 3:10