I wanted to be a Nurse.

Did you know that, I wanted to be a nurse.  It is true.  If you would have asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up in Junior High, High School or even 3 years of college I would have answered with, "A Nurse".  But of course that didn't happen.  Ethan and I felt that something else was in store for us so I changed my major and graduated from the Business School. 
But as I sit here tonight I wonder if that urge and craving of a life as a nurse wasn't really true.  Don't I have many of the same responsibilities of a nurse?  Don't I nurture my children?  I take care of boo boo's, and care for them when they are sick.  Now that God has charged me with the care of Rin, I know a lot about how the brain functions and the specifics that Rett Syndrome plays in the brain.  I educate myself on them as often as I can.  I advocate for my patients  kiddos.  I make sure they are taking their meds and follow all of the doctors orders as well as help bring to their attention things that I think they have not noticed.  I watch and sometimes have to chart their bowel movements and have even had to take many poop samples (yay adoption).  I worry about bone density, and muscle problems (are they to tight or to lose).  Because of the addition of Joel I am learning about the cardiovascular system and congenital heart conditions.  Which means I am learning about how they affect the lungs. 
And tomorrow I will wake up and start another educational journey, Gastroenterology.  It is a topic I have been working on for many years.  But tomorrow is the culmination of, well frankly, something that I have been fighting for a long time.  Rin has been battling reflux for years and starting this summer she started to lose weight due to the intensity of the reflux.  We have medicated her reflux, and shoved every protein shake, morsel of food and anything else we thought would put weight on her.  This was vain attempt.  I have watched the sparkle leave her eye as she lives in pain most of her days.  In my selfish nature I talked to Rin about having a fundoplication and a G-tube.  When I asked her in great disdain and sarcasm if she would even want something like this she immediately chose yes.  I stopped in my tracks and my mommy heart started breaking into pieces.  I held back my tears and got my nurse hat.  I explain what this meant and made sure she understood what she was saying.  When I asked her again if this is something she would like to do she again chose, "Yes".  Now we are in a different ball park.  I sat my feelings to the side and began advocating for the thing I had been fighting against. 
So tomorrow my patient, my heart, my love, my first born, the child who daily teaches me grace, dignity, love, perseverance, and what it means to love like Jesus will have a procedure on her perfectly unmarked belly.  This is for her health and I know that.  This is so that the twinkle will come back to her eyes and the pain will go away.  And while I know this isn't in the grand scheme of things this is not the worst thing that could happen it has been something that has been very hard for me.  This is one more time when Rett Syndrome has won and Rin has lost.
Of course I always wanted to be a nurse.  This is just not they way I thought is was going to be.